Stephanie Sheafer: Battling My Inner Lies with the Truth
Stephanie has battled bulimia, depression and the loss of loved ones in her life. Listen as she shares how leaning on God and family have helped her pull through with faith.
Episode Discussion Points
Stephanie’s struggle with bulimia as a teen which followed her into adulthood.
How she finally talked to her husband about her struggle with bulimia and his response which helped her change—”Let’s do this together.”
How even 17 years after stopping binging and purging she still feels tempted to go throw up.
How Stephanie battles her inner voice with the truth: Purging doesn’t make her feel better.
How she has chosen to be open and honest with her husband and children about her struggle and has tried to teach by example that you can lose weight healthily. (She lost 80 pounds by exercising and lifting weights 4 times per week).
Stephanie’s 1-2-3 punch to start her day powerfully with God on her side: studying God’s word, talking to God in prayer and listening to praise music to combat her negative thoughts.
When her husband was not around to help her and she felt unworthy or unloved, Stephanie leaned on God to speak the truth to her through the scriptures:
“I’m fearfully and wonderfully made.” God does not make mistakes. He made you beautiful and perfect for you.
“There is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.”
Surround yourself with people who love you and will help you. Stephanie found one of the keys to overcoming bulimia was being completely honest with her husband and with God. If she made a mistake, she would tell her husband. He would pray with her and then she would pray and talk to God about it as well. We were not meant to live life alone.
How to combat the negative voices in her head when she made a mistake—constantly falling on her knees at the feet of Jesus to beg for help, strength, forgiveness, and begging for Him to walk with her.
Post favorite motivating scripture verses all over your house to remind you God is there and loves you.
What depression has looked like for her all of her life—feeling so alone
The advice a therapist gave her about journaling and writing that helped her immensely
God is with her in her dark, lonely places as she invites Him in through studying his word and prayer. He doesn’t always make it better, but He stays there with her.
The tragedy of losing her sister to cancer during 2020 and learning to grieve and mourn and heal when they were locked down. She also lost her uncle to COVID.
How she vented and cried to God and how He lovingly consoled her and reassured her He hadn’t taken the wrong child (her).
Why it is important to be real to God with all the emotions you are experiencing (even and especially anger.)
She can still talk to her sister in heaven.
Reminding herself she will see her sister again.
The concept that we are and can be victorious, “beauty from ashes,” and God can turn our weaknesses into strengths. Be patient.
Our struggles allow us to help us empathize and then help others who have similar struggles.
Stephanie started writing years ago—so she started writing fantasy because she wanted to live in another world.
Stephanie’s Zelina trilogy can be found here: https://www.authorstephaniefaye.com/
Ways to Help People Struggling With Depression
Give them a hug
Say/text “I love you. I’m thinking of you.”
Pray with them
Take them to lunch
Don’t say, “Snap out of it. Choose to be happy.” (They would if they could).
Say, call me when you need help. Then listen with love and without judgment.
Connect with Stephanie
Website: https://www.authorstephaniefaye.com/
Instagram: @stephaniefaye_books
Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/s.faye.books
#tamarakanderson #storiesofhopeinhardtimes #podcast #hope #God #hardtimes #bulimia #depression #connection #scripturestudy #prayer #music #battle #negativity #worth #grief #death #truth #JesusChrist
Transcription
Stephanie 0:03
Like if we have a big pizza night and we have ice cream or we're watching movies, I feel, “Shoot.” I will usually just hold my husband's hand and say, “I’m feeling like I need to go throw up.” And he'll just say, “It's not a big deal. You didn't eat that much. It's just your mind.” So yeah, it's always that little voice in the back of my head saying, “You'll feel better.” And I have to battle it with the truth.
Tamara Anderson 0:39
Welcome to Stories of Hope in Hard Times, the show that explores how people endure and even thrive in difficult times, all with God's help. I'm your host, Tamara K. Anderson. Join me on a journey to find inspiring stories of hope and wisdom learned in life's hardest moments.
My guest today was born and raised in Texas, but has moved quite a few times over the years and has settled down in North Carolina with her husband and three children. She has been writing for as long as she can remember. Short stories and journaling are just a way to express how she is feeling. When she's not writing, you can find her at the beach, paddleboarding, or at home playing video games with her kids or husband, or reading in a quiet space somewhere in her house. She has written a three part series for young adults and has more stories coming. I am pleased to present Stephanie Sheafer. Stephanie, are you ready to share your story of hope?
Stephanie 1:45
Hi, I am.
Tamara Anderson 1:47
Awesome. Well, this is fun. Stephanie's been on my list of people to interview for a while. We've been friends for a couple years now. So this is really fun for me to have her on the show. One of the interesting things about Stephanie that I did not know before I met, and even after I met her, I would never have guessed, is that she went through a dramatic weight loss where she lost almost 80 pounds in less than a year. I know that for me, especially after COVID, I'm kind of like… Yeah, I put on some COVID weight. Yeah. How in the world did you do that? What's your secret?
Stephanie 2:29
What's the secret? I wish that there was a magic drink and sadly there is not, yet. I just had amazing support of friends, and family, and the fitness community. I just worked out every day. It kind of brought me sanity through the craziness of COVID, and the lockdowns, and all that. It really helped stabilize me and give me something positive to focus on rather than focusing on lockdowns, masks, shots, all of it.
Tamara Anderson 3:04
Wow. So your secret is working out every day? Cuz I know you do. I know you post little videos like on social media, you were doing these amazing workouts. Do you follow a specific system? Or what do you do?
Stephanie 3:19
Yeah, I follow Beachbody. You know, they do P90x and all that. I do a program called Lift Four. So it's four days a week of medium to heavy lifting and a little bit of cardio. So four days a week, 30 minutes a day.
Tamara Anderson 3:37
Wow. And seriously, 80 pounds. 80 pounds. Wow. Okay, Stephanie, you inspire me. I can do it. Like walking at least four days a week, but not the weightlifting stuff. So I just need to expand my workouts to include other things.
Stephanie 3:59
You want to challenge yourself, you know, we always say challenge. Challenge your brain, challenge all that. Well, you also want to challenge your body. So walking is great. Swimming is great. But you want to always up, and go up, and go up, and try to really push yourself out of your comfort zone.
Tamara Anderson 4:17
I know, I'm always having to do this. And it seems like every year I'm challenging myself with some new thing to push myself above and beyond. But a lot of those things are usually emotional breakthroughs, or things that I have to learn about, something to do, like I had to learn about book writing, I had to learn about podcasting. This past year I've learned about producing music and what it takes to do that. I just haven't done things that really challenged me physically. So challenge accepted.
Stephanie 4:52
I think by challenging physically it also challenges you mentally. A lot of the weight, and workout, you have to be in a certain mindset in order to move forward as well. So you'll see when you bring in more weights and harder cardio how that'll open your mind to other things as well.
Tamara Anderson 5:15
Alright, she's challenging me guys, I got to do it now. That's awesome. Well, I will. Alright, Stephanie, you would think that you've got it all made, but life has not exactly been a smooth ride for you. Not in the least. Let's go back to your teenage years. And let's cover a topic I actually have not covered on the podcast before. I'm so glad that we get to talk about it today. That is the topic of bulimia. Tell me a little bit about bulimia and why it was a part of your teenage years.
Stephanie 5:50
I think, for me, hitting, and I think for all preteens, going into that unsure time in your life, as our bodies develop into something we don't know. I don't know anything about this. I was always kind of chunky, but I was like that cute, fat kid. That cute, fat, chubby, you know, want to pinch the cheeks kind of kid. But then, hitting 12 and 13, when all these girls are getting curves and are thin, I wanted to look like that. But I love food. I love food. That was a real big struggle. So that was how I handled it, was I got to eat whatever I wanted, I binged and then purged. I did it for years, and years, I want to say until I got pregnant with my first child. Then, I knew for her safety, I couldn't. Yeah, but immediately after she was born, I went right back to it. It was just a sense of control. It made me feel good about myself. I know that sounds really weird because I'm destroying my insides. But I felt like, if I'm pretty on the outside, if I'm thin, then I'll be accepted. Which is not true at all. You're destroying your inside and people can actually see that you're sick, like something's not right, because you don't look healthy, your skin's not glowing. Your hair's falling out and your teeth are falling out. It's bad, very bad.
Tamara Anderson 7:24
So what finally helped you to overcome bulimia?
Stephanie 7:32
Um, my second marriage, after having all of my kids, I finally approached my husband and told him how miserable I was, that I hated myself. I hated looking at myself, I hated my body. I didn't like him to look at me, didn't like my kids looking at me. If I could show you old pictures of me, I'm always in pants that are three sizes too big, big, baggy shirts, you know, just pure sadness. I told him what I was doing. I was afraid that he was gonna send me away and divorce me and like, “Oh, you can't see your kids anymore.” But he just held me and let me cry and just said, “Okay, we're gonna get you on a good eating program. We're gonna get you exercising, and I'm going to do it with you.” So having a support system is so, so, so important. Knowing that nobody's looking at you. So if somebody were to come forward and say, “I'm anorexic, I'm bulimic.” Nobody's going to shame. Nobody at all. They're going to be helped, they're going to be loved. There's all kinds of groups and support systems out there that can help anybody move past it. But for me, it was finally telling my husband, “This is what I’ve been doing all these years.” And him just accepting me, “Okay, together, we can do it.” That was the key, because I can't do it myself. Could never do.
Tamara Anderson 9:07
Wow. So do you think the key is you finally being brave enough, first of all, to talk about it? But then to talk about it with somebody that you love, and trust, and then having that support system in place of, “Okay, we're gonna do it together.” Finding a group or someone who will support you through the change and being confident that, “Okay, I can do this.” Now, let me ask you. Are you ever tempted now? It's probably been… How long has it been since you overcame bulimia?
Stephanie 9:46
17 years? Yeah, cuz it was right after my youngest was born. So it's been about 17 years.
Tamara Anderson 9:54
Wow. Have you ever been tempted to go back?
Stephanie 9:57
Yes. I don't know if this is true or not, but it's how I feel, is that I feel like it's like an alcoholic that wants, just always. Just like, if we have a big pizza night, and we have ice cream, or we're watching movies, I feel huge. I think, just this little voice in the back of my head, “Hey, you know, you can go take care of that.” I will usually just hold my husband's hand and say, “I'm feeling like I need to go throw up.” He'll just say, “Not a big deal. You didn't eat that much. It's just your mind.” So yeah, it's always that little voice in the back of my head saying, “You'll feel better.” And I have to battle it with the truth. You always have to battle the lies with the truth. The truth is, it doesn't make me feel better. It never made me feel better. Like you were saying, when I'm honest, and I look at my husband, or even my kids and say, “Hey, I'm thinking these things,” then it makes it easier, because then they're like, “No, this is what the truth is.”
Tamara Anderson 11:17
So were you able to talk to your kids about this struggle? And be open and honest with them as they were, especially, probably, going through their teenage years?
Stephanie 11:27
Yeah, because it is something that I was concerned about. It really is. I just would tell them what I struggled with, how I handled it, and how I've overcome it. I pray that they don't follow in those footsteps. I pray that since, you know, especially my youngest was only one when I really started fighting it, that they've seen me fight it, and win, and do it, and lose my weight in a healthy way. So if they feel unhealthy, they'll have a good foundation of healthy foods, and working out, and so forth. That's what I pray, is I laid down that good foundation.
Tamara Anderson 12:12
So how do you feel that God helped you to overcome that?
Stephanie 12:18
Honestly, I don't think I could have beat it without God, and without my husband, working side by side. Because he found the strength, and the words of wisdom through God. When he's not around, because obviously he wasn't around 24/7. He had to work a full time job. I’m home with four kids, homeschooling, at that time. We had four kids at home, homeschooling them all. I have to rely upon God to speak the truth to me. So if I was feeling unworthy, unloved, crummy, I would go to His word and find that I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. And that there's no condemnation in Christ Jesus. That even if I did make myself throw up, hey, as long as I'm truthful about it, and I told my husband. Which, when I struggled, in the beginning, I would call him and say, “I just did this,” and he would pray with me. Then I would go to God, and I’d pray to Him, to talk to Him. And through Him, and all of that, I was able to overcome it. I know a lot of my struggle, especially with depression, turning on worship music kind of battles those lies because those words speak the truth.
Tamara Anderson 13:39
Oh, I love that. I love that you've given us a couple of key things there. First, finding truth in God's word. Second, the power of prayer. Then third, the power of praise music. Those are a powerful, 1, 2, 3 punch, almost, that you can use, not only for bulimia, but we're going to get into your depression as well. You can use those to battle whatever struggle that you're dealing with. Because we each have struggles, and they might not all be bulimia, or depression. It might be something else. But that 1, 2, 3 punch, the scriptures, prayer, and powerful positive music can really help as we as we battle our daily battles.
Stephanie 14:31
It really does, when you've got the truth backing you. If God is for me, who can be against me? Those little things I turn to every day, and how I start my day, because if I start it on a good note, on the right foot, then chances are my day is gonna go smoother. Even if the world starts falling apart, I know that I've got the backing of God.
Tamara Anderson 14:59
Now you mentioned something else I'd like to dive into a little bit more. That is the idea of not condemning yourself when you slip up and make a mistake. Because I think, obviously, we're our own worst self-critic. Our inner voice is really loud. And, “Oh my gosh, you blew it. You're the worst. You're not worth anything,” you know, all that negative self-talk in our brains. So you have a favorite Bible verse that you found, and you say to your… I don't know if you say it to yourself. But why don't you share that with us so other people can find it and use it? But then, also, talk us through how you were able to make the mental jump from condemning yourself and beating yourself up because you made a mistake, or you slipped up, to, “Okay, I'm moving forward again, I'm not going to spiral down?”
Stephanie 15:57
So my favorite verse is Romans 8:1. “Therefore, there is now no condemnation in Christ Jesus.” Meaning, as we come forward to Christ, even if we mess up every second, which we do every day, as long as we're falling at His feet, He wipes it away. So why would He? Why would He condemn us? If we've come forward and said. Because His word says He won't. For me, it was a long, hard struggle to stop beating myself up on a daily basis. Every second of every day, “I'm such a loser. I'm such a this.” I actually would write it out and put it in different areas of my house. So that no matter what room I'm in, I would see that verse. Because if that verse is a lie, then all of scripture is a lie, and my life is a lie. So therefore, that can't be a lie.
So I would tell myself that, and my husband would often say, “I know you're not feeling worthy. But didn't God call David his beloved wife? Yes. But David wasn’t perfect.” Go and read the story of David. He was not anywhere close to perfect, you know, committing adultery, murder, so on and so forth. But what did he do? That's what I tried to emulate. If David fell on his face at the feet of Jesus, and Jesus, and God called him, “My beloved,” then he'll do that to me, too. He'll wipe it all away. So I would say to myself, every time I messed up, “Okay, God, this is what I did. You know, I'm struggling. You know, I'm working hard to beat this. Just take my hand, and help me through this day. Help me through this moment. Help me through this second.” He has never let me down. Every time, I have felt peace and like, “Okay, let's get up and do this again. Then we'll fight, and we’ll win.”
Tamara Anderson 18:06
So it's almost like you had Christ as your battle buddy?
Stephanie 18:12
Absolutely, absolutely. He didn't just stand beside me. He went before me. Yes.
Tamara Anderson 18:21
Yeah, yeah, that is so powerful, though. I love that, because often, well, none of us are strong enough on our own, right. We're all weak, and broken, and imperfect. The good news is that God takes weak and broken things, and He loves working with them. He loves working with us, and helping us improve, and turning those negative self-thoughts into, “I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me.” That's actually my mantra. That's what I keep having to tell myself, “I can do this. I can do this with Jesus. I can do this.” So turning these into positive things. I love that you posted this scripture all over your house, because that was the thing that you just had to remind yourself of in your weak times. So this is another good point. If you have a scripture that is particularly meaningful to you, and that will inspire you, if you're feeling down, post it on your wall, in your kitchen, in your bedroom, in your bathroom, post it all over your house, so that you see it and remember it. Oh, yes, you are full of great tips, holy cow. And we've only covered one of the challenges you've had.
Now, another of the challenges that you had to face was that of depression. I can only imagine that, bulimia and depression together, probably were not a good combination. But why don't you tell me what depression looked like for you and what you've been able to do to battle bad as well?
Stephanie 20:02
Depression is something I battle every day. Some days are good. Some days are bad. I didn't realize until probably about 15 years ago that I've been battling depression pretty much my whole life. As a teenager, I tried to kill myself a couple of times. I praise God that it didn't work, and He didn't take me home. Most of the time, for me, my depression is that I just want to sleep. I just feel like I'm in this dark place. I can't see what's in front of me, I can't see what's behind me. I feel alone, where I could be in a house, or a room full of people that I know and love, but I feel utterly alone. Over the years, what has worked for me, one of my first therapists said, “Journal. Journal all your thoughts. Journal all your feelings. Journal your day.” So, “I got up in the morning. I brushed my teeth. Blah, blah, blah.” I found myself like, this is too boring. I didn't want to live in that moment. I wanted to live outside of it.
So I started just writing little short stories. That seemed to like, pick me up. Talking to my husband, like, even, you know, a couple months ago, I called him and said, “I need prayer. I'm feeling really depressed, it's really dark.” And he's like, “Okay.” Immediately, I mean, he will stop in the middle of his work, and pray and I can feel his prayer. I can feel it lifting. Again, I go back to the word, and I go back to my worship music. Because even if I'm sad, I feel alone, if I just flip on some worship music, and I have my Bible open, and I'm crying to God, in that dark, lonely place. Even if I'm not instantly taken out, I know He's in that dark, lonely place with me. I hope that makes sense. Some days, I'm over it the moment my husband and I pray, just that moment. Other days, I'm kind of in a lull, just going through the motions all day. But I've learned to be okay with that. Because, again, I'm not in it alone. My heart knows I’m not alone. I'm not. It's that voice in my head that says, “You're worthless. You're alone.” But my heart, and that's what I go back to, is God's word, and the worship, and my husband talking to me, “You're not alone. We're all here.”
And I've shared with my kids, as they got older, “This is why some days, I just look like I'm not there. But I'm there. I'm just fighting through it.” And over the years, they know when they see that look in my eyes or that expression on my face, they will literally not say anything, and just come and hug me. Which is one of the best things for somebody dealing with depression. It’s not, “Hey, snap out of it. Choose to be happy.” Because a person dealing with it, if we could choose to do it, we would. Just letting them know, “Okay, I'm going to pray for you. Hey, would you like to meet up and do lunch?” Like, my kids just hug. You don't even have to say a word, just a hug. Just a simple, “I love you, I'm thinking about you,” makes a huge difference. Yeah. But again, reminding myself of who I am in Christ is a big, big, big deal.
Tamara Anderson 23:49
So who do you remind yourself that you are in Christ?
Stephanie 23:54
I always go back to, “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” My grandmother always told me, “God does not make mistakes. You're here for purpose. If He made the birds beautiful, and He made the butterflies beautiful, and the green grass, and the trees, and He loves all of them, how much more does He love you and how much more has He made you beautiful in His eyes?” So I tried to hear her voice and her speak to me those truths. You know, I think really having somebody to back you up, and we keep going back to the truth. Having somebody back you, and tell you what you mean to them in their eyes is such a huge deal. So when you're feeling at your lowest, to hear that person say, “You're perfect the way you are and the way that God made you.” Those simple little statements make a huge impact. I'm fearfully and wonderfully made. So simple.
Tamara Anderson 24:59
I love all of that. And the power of, I love how we're calling it truth. The power of the truth. That we do have worth, as God's children, that He has made us perfect, in a way. We're each unique, let's say, we're each unique in our own lives. We're perfect with Him. Perfect in Christ, but not perfect by ourselves, right? Because I know perfection is something I've struggled with, and that I want to be perfect. And I feel like when I make mistakes, I'm not worthy. I think that is something that it's hard to change your mind, and really learn, I guess, really internalize the truth, it's hard to really internalize the truth if you've taught yourself differently, or if you've had negative comments thrown at you. It's hard to overcome that. I love that you just remind yourself of the truth, that you pray, that you have others pray with you, that you're open and honest with other people about, “These are my struggles.” Because I think sometimes when we feel so alone, we don't want to talk about it.
Stephanie 26:22
It's very hard to be vulnerable like that, even to somebody like my husband. I love him to death, oh my gosh, but to call him and say, “I'm in this dark place,” that is so vulnerable. And to be so real with somebody is very hard. But to do it, it means that you're already stepping in the right direction, you're already starting to overcome that. So it's very, very important.
Tamara Anderson 26:51
So it's almost like you have to take action to begin the process of pulling yourself out. Taking that action is first admitting it to yourself, “I'm struggling with bulimia,” or, “I'm struggling with depression.” And then admitting it to someone else, someone who's willing to pray with you, someone who's willing to fight with you, someone who's willing to get you the medical help that you need, I mean, whatever it is, and however it looks like, but being willing to open up to someone else.
Stephanie 27:26
It's scary. It is, but you can't do it on your own. I've said that before it, you just, you can’t. We, as humans, are not meant to do this life alone. We have to surround ourselves with people that won't judge us, that will lift us up in prayer, that will love us. I mean, Jesus never sent his disciples out by themselves. Never. They didn't travel by themselves, they didn't preach by themselves. He didn't either. Because humans are not meant to be by ourselves. We're just not. We're meant to have that person that, when we fall, can help us back up. And you know, you have to find those people to surround yourself with, that when I come out and say, “I struggle with bulimia,” that they're not going to scoff at me, and laugh, and walk away, but instead would be like, I'm gonna help you. Call me when you need help.” That is so important, to know that you can trust the person like that. Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 28:29
I love what you said back there about how we all need connection. And we do, we crave connection. we need connection, even if you feel like you're more of a person who likes to hang out alone. We all need connection. I think we've learned that more than ever, this past year. This past year of 2020. We're going to take a quick break, but when we get back we're going to have Stephanie tell us a little bit about why 2020 was a particularly hard year for her, and also give us a sneak peek of this amazing book series that she has written. Stay tuned.
Are you looking for a gift for a friend, sister, or mother who is really struggling right now and you're not sure what to get them? It's hard for me to sometimes find those gifts. So, today, I'm so excited to tell you about this booklet, “The Mother's Mite.” It's a perfect, simple, inexpensive gift you can give your friends, your family, your sisters, anyone that you want to share this story with. It will be meaningful. It's not just a little piece of candy that they eat and forget. It's something they can read over and over again. Because so often, we, as women, feel alone, and overwhelmed, and burdened, and like there's so many things weighing upon our shoulders. What I love about this story is that it points us to Jesus Christ in times of trouble. That He understands us. He loves us. He knows what we're going through. He is more than willing to help us bear that burden. I love that about this story, that it gives, not only me hope, but it will convey that sense of hope for all of you. So, get your copy of it today at tamarakanderson.com/store. You can order one to 1020, however many you want, and we will get those to you so you can get them distributed. All right, now on to our show.
And we're back. I've been interviewing Stephanie Scheafer about her challenges dealing with bulimia and depression through her whole life, and how she was able to battle those with the truth, and with her 1, 2, 3 punch, which was studying God's word, praying, and listening to praise music. The year 2020 was an especially challenging year for her. So Stephanie, so why don't you tell us a little bit about what made 2020 so hard for you, and how you were able to find hope, and healing, and connection in a year that didn't really give us much opportunities for connection?
Stephanie 31:21
Okay, we'll just start off by saying 2020 was awful. Uh, yeah. Awful for everybody. For me, the worst day was February 20th. I got a phone call, probably 5:00 in the morning that my sister passed away from cancer. We knew that she had cancer, she had it just a little bit over a year, but we were not expecting her death. It was not an impending thing. We thought she was getting better. But she went to the hospital for dehydration, went to sleep, and never woke back up. That had to be one of the worst days of my life. We had her memorial in March. It was just as COVID was really thinking its teeth in. Her memorial was a lot smaller than we planned for, as people were already scared to leave their house. But we were so thankful for the people that did show up. When we flew in March to Texas, the plane was absolutely packed, like it was just overflowing. Coming back, there was only four people on our entire plane. So in about in about a week, the whole world had just fallen apart, it seemed like. I'm super grateful that I was able to at least go and have some kind of goodbye to her, but then coming home and just having the state lockdown and having to be shut in our houses. I felt so bad because my mother was in Texas alone, and she was locked in her house. So the process of mourning was not the same as when we had lost my grandmother. We could all come together and just hold each other. It was far away. It was phone calls, if you were lucky to get a zoom call. It was a very, very real struggle, one that I had not ever felt before, and praying never to have to feel again.
I did hit really bad depression. My husband was concerned and he had to call me several times and just say, “You're not thinking about anything bad? You're not thinking of ending your life?” The honest truth was, I had not thought about ending my life. Because I know if I died, my sister would have killed me again in heaven. I often talked to God in those first few months. Really it was Him and me, just back and forth. Just me and God, just me and God talking, and me yelling at Him, and me crying to Him, and being angry, and being sad. I just think God, He's not a human because He probably would have walked out on me and been like, “Women are crazy.” But you know, He just kept saying, “I've got her and she's good now. She's no longer sick. She's good now.” And I remember going through a process of, “I think you took the wrong child.” He should have taken me. She had so many more people depending on her, and counting on her, and they needed her. I just, I have my husband and my small little family here. I work from home. It's just a small, little family. Between God and my husband both telling me, “God doesn't make mistakes.” Again, hearing my grandmother's voice, “God doesn't make mistakes. He's got your sister. You're gonna get through this.”
I still have to remind myself on those rough days, when I'm wanna call my sister and talk to her, that I can still talk to her. And I know she’s still sassing me. She's in heaven, just sassing me. Just being as snarky as ever, but reminding myself, “I'm gonna see her again. And I can talk to her.” And, again, God's got my back, and He doesn't make mistakes. And I'm here for a purpose. And it's not done yet. It was rough. And then at the end of 2020, I lost my uncle to COVID. I couldn't even see him. I couldn't go to the funeral, we had to watch it online. I haven't seen, you know, his daughters, my cousins, I haven't seen them to be able to hug them.
Having to mourn alone is a very odd experience, to sit at your desk and watch a loved one in their casket is just, I don't even know if there's a word other than just depressing and dark. It was hard. And I got through it again, because of my community, my friends, my husband, and God. I tell you, if I did not have God, I would be lost in the world. I just would be lost. I mean that. He's gotten me through so much. He always gives us a way out of things. That's what He did here, is I felt his love. I felt His presence and His reassurance.
Tamara Anderson 37:00
I love how you said He always gives us a way out. It may not be on the path we thought it would, what we anticipated that would look like. It's not, very often. But we’ve got to trust Him even on the path of the way out. Now, you also said something in there, I'd love to dive into a little bit more. That is that, when you were grieving, you did a lot of venting to God. I know that I kind of reached that point in my life, in my relationship with God, too. But there are people out there, and I used to be one of them, where I felt I couldn't talk to God about when I felt angry at him. You know what I mean? Tell me why you feel it's important to speak where you are, your truth, right then, to God, and how that helps you to eventually heal.
Stephanie 38:13
I mean, God is supposed to be our friend, and do we not yell at our friends? Do we not just vent to our friends? I mean, He already knows what we're feeling and thinking. I was that person, too, that was like, “Oh, no, I only got to go to God to praise Him and ask for help.” But we have to be real with it. That's what He wants. He desperately wants that relationship. If it's all just the good, then it's not a real relationship. We have fights in our families, we have fights with our husband, we have fights with our kids. It builds a good, strong bond, because now you're being honest. So for me, being honest with God, even when I'm angry and I feel like He made a mistake, I feel like it is bringing us closer together. I know He didn't make a mistake. I know He is wise beyond any comprehension. But I have to let Him know, “I am so angry with what you did.” I know He's not angry with me because I'm angry with Him. I'm not angry with my kids because they're angry with me. I just want Him to know what I feel and not try to pretend and be something I'm not. And if at that moment, I'm angry with Him, I'm going to share, “I'm angry with you,” just like I would anybody else.
It helps me because it got those emotions out rather than pushing them down. I was able to be honest and say, “I'm hurt beyond belief that you took my sister. If you would just give her back we'd be fine.” But it's a matter of being honest. We keep talking about that, the truth, being honest with your emotions and who you are. If, at that moment, I want to scream to Him, because I know He's not going to judge me for it. When I cry, He cries. When I laugh, He laughs. When I'm angry, He's angry, but not at me. He understands all these emotions. Jesus came here to live as a man. So He understands absolutely everything that we face. Losing my sister, and then in November, losing my uncle, it was so much. But losing my sister, who was my best friend for so long, I just felt like I had to scream at somebody. And I know it's not my husband's fault. No, it's not my daughter's fault. Who's left? God. God, this is you.
So I really felt like once I was able to articulate how angry I was, and yelling at Him, and pointing my finger, I don't know how, I felt like He wrapped me in his arms. You've seen in movies where women are like, beating on the guy's chest, and they just hold them. That's what I felt like. Like I was just slamming my hands into His chest and then screaming at Him. All he did was just hold me and say, “You’ll get through this. I'm here.” Yeah, so the moment I did that, I felt that peace just rush over me. Not angry anymore. I'm sad. I have sad days. I'm not angry. Like He said, we'll get through this together.
Tamara Anderson 41:53
I think it's so poetic, the way you described that, by getting the anger out. I think it's so important. Anger is one of the stages of grief. God is a great place to vent that anger, because He takes it, and then He loves you and fills you with peace. It's not going to happen overnight. No. But it does happen eventually. I just love, love, love the way you described that. It was so, so beautiful. I felt the same when my kids were diagnosed with autism. I was really angry with God for quite a while with one diagnosis, and then another. So it's like, I'd finished processing one, and then we got another one. I kind of went through everything all over again, kind of like you with the death of your sister, and then the death of your uncle. Life is going to ebb and flow, and our emotions are going to ebb and flow. The great thing is, God will take them all and help us process it if we turn to Him. That's really where our choice comes in. Do you want to hold it inside? Do you want to let it eat and gnaw at you inside, or would you rather just get it out? Give it to God. Give it to God. He's big enough. He can take it. He can take Tamara’s stuff. He can take Stephanie’s stuff. He can take your stuff. I promise. That's right. It is really, really good.
So one of the things that you mentioned was the importance of connection through 2020, and trying to find that. You found it through zoom, you found it through talking to close family and friends. But why do you think that, especially when you lose somebody, like your uncle, and you're not able to grieve with them in person… How do you get that connection when you can't be with someone that you really want to be with and it's just not possible? It's hard.
Stephanie 44:03
I don't think anything can replace a good hug from a friend. I'll say, I'm a very introverted person. If I could stay home and not be around humans, I would. But we go back to, we need people. We do. I'll admit that, you know, I loved being at a writer’s retreat. I loved being home, just around my kids and going to the beach and people watching. But I think when we're mourning and going through these dark moments, and not being able to have that hug, that's when you have to really look at your feelings and really lean on God. You're not supposed to lean on our own understanding and be led by our emotions. God does want us to be honest.
When I was sitting there in my office, and I was watching on my computer, my amazing uncle, his casket, and watching people cry for him thinking, “I'm here feeling this myself. But I'm watching these people, thinking, they're feeling exactly what I'm feeling.” And I called my mom and I talked to her and we texted each other, “Hey, you know, I want to let you know, I love you.” I think, just those small things in those dark moments when, again, 2020 you could not be around somebody, those little moments, and turning to God and processing that. Those are what got me through. Just a quick text, just a quick phone call. Like I said, the zoom meeting, just seeing people. I know it's not the same as if I had been there and been hugged. But it did get me through, knowing I wasn't alone in the grieving process, knowing I wasn't alone, ever. That again, when I cried, God cried. So I wasn't really here by myself. But God had His hand on the shoulder and saying, “This is going to be ok.” I also know the next time I see my friends and family, there will be hugs involved.
Tamara Anderson 46:19
Right? Sometimes it's being patient until you can be with them.
Stephanie 46:24
And patience is always so hard, right? Patience is a virtue and not one that I have.
Tamara Anderson 46:32
I look back on who I was like as a teenager, for example. I realized I was not very patient back then. But I think God has been teaching me patience little bits at a time throughout my life. If I were to gauge, you know, on a scale, here's where you were as a teenager, and here's where you are now, I have improved. I'm not to the level I probably need to be yet, but I have improved.
Stephanie 46:58
Are any of us really at a level we should be? Be honest with yourself. No.
Tamara Anderson 47:11
Yeah. Now, one of the big tips and takeaways that you talk about is that you are walking in victory, and that you're a champion. One day, all those things that you thought were weaknesses will be strengths. Would you mind elaborating a little bit on that important concept?
Stephanie 47:36
I don't even know who told me, but years and years ago, before I even came out with bulimia and discussed my depression, somebody said, it's a Bible verse, “You are victorious.” I can't even think of the other verses that they said. But all of these, what we call weaknesses, God would turn into strengths. Therefore, we would be able to help other people through those struggles. Because we've been there, we've done that, and with the help of God, we've overcome. Beauty from ashes, you know, what I'm seeing as awful, God is way, way, way in advance of us and saying, “She is bulimic. She is dealing with depression. But I'm going to turn this and I'm going to help all these people through what she's gone through.” So for me, knowing that I still have that little voice in the back of my head saying, “You'll feel better,” if I still have those dark days, that's okay. There are people that are just beginning that journey, that battle, that I will be able to talk to them and say, “I'm here. I've done that. I'm here, talk to me. You will never be judged. You will only be loved. And I will lift you up in prayer on a daily basis. Know that you are loved.” So I think if I didn't struggle with those things, then how would I help anybody? We all have those struggles, like you would with the autism. If you had never gone through those struggles, how would you help anybody else? So God has turned those ashes into something so beautiful. So being an overcomer, I want to help others to overcome as well. So then, you know, it just goes on and on. They help them, to help them, to help them. Yeah.
Tamara Anderson 49:51
I think you're absolutely right. It's interesting that God does use the very things that we struggle with the most, that try us the most, and make us shake our fist at Him the most, that He uses that as a springboard for us to become, almost a mentor to others. Yeah, I got through it. You can too. Right?
Stephanie 50:15
Yeah. And you don't see it when you're in that.
Tamara Anderson 50:16
Oh, no, I prayed and prayed that God would take it away. It's so interesting. I look back now, and I can see a little bit, like, this much of God's perspective. Just a tiny, tiny view that here I am, decades later, doing a podcast, having written a couple of books. God used that awful, hard situation that I'm still dealing with to this day, but He has helped me become a voice for Him. Lean on God, you'll get through. I promise you. I tried to pray this away. You know, I didn't want to go through it. Just like you would have said, “No, God, give me my sister back. Right now.” But these very things that we struggle with the most often, in hindsight, are the very things that help us become stronger, and more capable, and to be able to testify that God got me through, and I'm better for it. Did I like going through it? Oh, no, it was awful. But I'm thankful for it. Right? Right. Oh, my goodness.
Now, I'd love to segue into how your writing evolved into books that you have written. You've written an amazing series. Tell us about it, and tell us where we can find them.
Stephanie 51:55
I have been writing as far back as I can remember, because I always felt I could express my feelings with pen and paper, as opposed to verbally. That way, I could really think, and take my time about the right words and the right way to express it. Then, with the depression and the bulimia, you know, being told, “Hey, you need to journal.” Like I said, I got bored. I didn't want to live in that world. I wanted to live in another. So my daughter bought me this little notebook that's got little starter sentences. I would fill that out and start these little, you know, five sentence or two page, little short stories that were trash, but that's okay. It made me feel better. But one of them, my daughter said, “I want to know more about this girl that you're writing about.” So I wrote a little bit more, and she would come and read it and say, “Okay, now what's going to happen to this girl? What will happen?” And before I knew it, it turned into a trilogy. I have just really fallen in love with these characters, and they've become amazing friends of mine. I'm just finishing up editing the third book, it's about to go to the editor right now. It's the Zelina series. “Zelina: The First Glyph,” and, “Zelina: The Second Glyph” are on Amazon, or you can get them at my website, which is under my maiden name, Stephanie Faye. It’s authorstephaniefaye.com. That's where you can get the books from me, and you can get them signed. Or you can just order from Amazon, if that's easier, that's fine, too. But these characters have really helped me in those dark days. I still journal, I won't lie. But I quit journaling as much. And really, in those darker days, I really go inward into this other world, and have my character, Zelina, facing these darker places in her world as well that she's able to fight through.
Tamara Anderson 54:17
Wow, I find it so interesting that that on your darkest days, you escape into the story where your protagonist is going through dark things, but she conquers. It's almost like that message in your dark day is playing your mind. I'm going through a hard time but I'm going to get through it. Watch. Here's my character, she's going to overcome. You know, I think that is so amazing. But I think that is the power of books. I know that on days where I'm feeling down, or discouraged, or I just need to relax, I dive into books. Books have always been my escape. I could dive into a book and read and it helps me escape, and feel better, and feel like I can face the world again. Yeah, because in the end, most of us, they go through the character’s journey, and they face all these awful things, and they come out victorious in the end. So I think that that theme plays out in your writing there as well.
Oh, my goodness, this has been so fun. So, Stephanie, I know there's going to be people out there who are going to want to connect with you. Obviously, they can connect with you on your website. If you'll give us your website one more time, and then tell us where they can find you on social media so that they can catch a little bit more of the Stephanie vibe, which is so awesome and powerful.
Stephanie 55:49
Yeah. My website is authorstephaniefaye.com. On Instagram, Stephanie, Facebook's Same thing on Facebook. And those are the only two that I have. I don't have any others yet. We're slowly building other social media platforms. So Instagram and Facebook are amazing places where you can see the editing. You can even drop little ideas of what you would like the characters to do. I love the feedback. Yeah, so great, great places. And I do check, personally, I do check the Instagram and the Facebook every day.
Tamara Anderson 56:31
Awesome. Well, this is so great. You do need to connect with Stephanie because she is so amazing. You are a fighter. You know, you fight every day. And it's just amazing to spend time with someone who is constantly battling, but winning overall. Every day isn't a win. But overall, we're winning, right?
Stephanine 56:54
Hey, as long as you're still fighting. The fight’s not over until you give up. So just don't give up. Keep fighting.
Tamara Anderson 57:00
Hey, thanks so much for listening to today's show. If you like what you heard, subscribe so you can get your weekly dose of powerful stories of hope. I know there are many of you out there who are going through a hard time, and I hope you found useful things that you can apply to your own life in today's podcast. If you'd like to access the show notes of today's show, please visit my website, storiesofhopepodcast.com. There, you will find a summary of today's show, the transcript, and one of my favorite takeaways. You know, if someone kept coming to mind during today's episode, perhaps that means that you should share this episode with them. Maybe there was a story shared, or quote, or a scripture verse that they really, really need to hear. So go ahead and share this podcast. May God bless you, especially if you are struggling, with hope to carry on, and with the strength to keep going when things get tough. Remember to walk with Christ and He will help you bear the burden. And above all else, remember God loves you.
You can find the transcription of today's episode here: https://www.tamarakanderson.com/podcasts/stephanie-sheafer-battling-my-inner-lies-with-the-truth