My Journey of Hope: From Day of Hell to Peace, Plus 4 Survival Tips
From Day of Hell to Peace, Plus 4 Survival Tips
This is a Bonus episode to celebrate the launch day of my podcast, Stories of Hope in Hard Times.In this video (that was supposed to be a FB Live), I share two journal entries that show my journey from hell toward peace. I also share 4 Survival Tips that helped me along the way.I apologize that my FB Live didn’t work today! I tried really hard to get it to work and finally decided to simply record the episode and publish it (since I had already done the prep work.)
Important Lessons Learned
You are not alone when you feel down and overwhelmed.Recognize that you are going to grieve the unfulfilled expectations--even the dreams you have for life when they get shattered.It is normal to feel angry (even with God)--it is a stage of grief!
The 4 Survival Tips
Be Gentle with Grief "Weeping may endure for the night, but joy cometh in the morning." Psalms 30:5
Build a Support Network "Grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can; and common sufferings are far stronger than common joys." Alphonse de Lamartine
Plan for Stress Relief "With the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh I should die." Abraham Lincoln
Becoming "Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the starts to change the world." Harriet Tubman
Shareable Inspirational Quote
Transcript
Tamara Anderson 0:04
Hi, this is Tamara K Anderson and I am going to share with you today, my journal entry from a few years ago, actually about a decade ago, of what I called my day from help. And it happened because I had two kids on the autism spectrum. And they were really hard. So I'm going to share that with you today. And I apologize that this isn't going live on Facebook, I had issues when it came time and I could not get my facebook live to work. And I was all stressed out. And finally I'm like, I can still record a video and share it. So that's what I'm doing today, I'm going to record this video for you, I'm going to do the same presentation, except we won't be able to interact. And I'll try to fix it and so that we can do this again some other time.
Tamara Anderson 0:47
So first, I'm going to share with you that story. And then I'm going to share with you not only three tips, but I decided to throw in a bonus Fourth tip on how to survive and thrive in tough times. And so I'll be talking about those. And I also wanted to thank you for joining me on my the launch of my podcast today. And I'm so so excited. For today, it is a big day for me, I've been working on getting my podcast ready to launch for probably about just over a year. I got the idea about a year and a half ago. And so here we are, we're finally at launch day. And I'm really, really excited to tell you a little bit about my podcast.
Tamara Anderson 1:29
But first a little bit about me, I'm just going to do a quick synopsis and of my life. And, and tell you a little bit about myself. I grew up in Northern Virginia. And I have four sisters and one brother. I've lived in Virginia, and then Argentina and then back to Virginia. And then my family moved to Arizona when I was about 14, and I graduated from high school there and went away to school. And then I was able to serve a mission for my church. And that was awesome. I spoke with the Spanish speaking people. And I just, they're near and dear to my heart.
Tamara Anderson 2:08
I also let's see got married, and two wonderful guy named Justin. And we have four beautiful children, three boys and a girl and two of my boys are on the autism spectrum, the two middle ones. So when they were little, they were super, super hard. And so this excerpt that I'm going to read to you from my journal is, is kind of a piece of my soul. And so I share it with you first so that you know that on your hard days, you're really, really not alone. And I think that's one of the most important things we can learn when people share with us. Their thoughts and feelings is that we're not alone.
Tamara Anderson 2:52
And so here is my journal entry. Let me see if I can read this for you really quick. I said I had this is on July 20 2005. And it says "I had Jacob in for his physical today. He's my third son. He says our doctor confirmed that he has autistic tendencies. And I felt like crying." So by this point, Nathan had already been diagnosed and lengthen his low functioning on the autism spectrum. Jacob at this point was kind of moderate on the autism spectrum. And, and I kept thinking that he was just imitating Nathan, for a long time. I think that was my way of denying that he had autism too.
Tamara Anderson 3:29
But um, anyway, it says, "I felt like crying. I know he does. But I really don't want to do this again. I don't want to lose another sweet boy to autism. It's too hard and too painful. Autism is such a cruel disease. The baby is born and you look at it and it's so perfect. And the baby develops normally and little by little gets taken away from you. And you deny it is happening. But something's wrong. And all of a sudden the baby that loved you will not look at you or talk to you. And they start doing weird things. And you want to just weep. Oh how unfair life is for them too. They get a faint glimmer of normalcy before the crippling power overtakes their mind. I hate autism. I hate it. It's destroying my children. Why does it have to happen to my family?"
Tamara Anderson 4:24
"Tonight, I got mad and frustrated. Nathan played in his poop and wiped it all over himself two times today. Then after I put them down for the night, Jordan yelled through their bedroom that Nathan had pooped on the floor." Now just to give you an idea. Nathan's six at this time. He still isn't potty trained. And this happened frequently. In fact, we got a carpet cleaner just so that it would help us with the cleanup efforts. I can laugh about it now. It wasn't very funny then.
Tamara Anderson 4:56
I said "When I walked in Nathan was smearing poop into the car. But with his foot. It was the worst I had ever seen him do that. I just started crying and crying. I was angry. I kept saying, Why do you do this?" And you have to understand where I was coming from. This is day in and day out of caring for children with autism that is so exhausting in and of itself. And when you finally get them down for the night, you're so worn out, you just want to collapse and bed. And, and that was not happening tonight. My reserves were completely gone. And I had to keep going. And that often happens, right? So I said I was, "I was angry because I didn't want to clean up the poop. The task seemed so daunting. Why would anyone play in their poop? I was angry because I can't have normal children. I was angry because other people seem to have normal kids. Sometimes I feel like God is punishing me because I'm not good enough or patient enough. There are times I really love being a mother. And there are times I really hate being a mother. At the moment. I did not like it at all. I've never felt so angry."
Tamara Anderson 6:06
"Nathan has been such a pill this summer. I tried to help him and he yells at me. I tried to get him dressed and he screams and kicks. Tonight after I put him in the shower and rinsed him off. I want to get him and he had smeared poop all over himself. Yet again. I was so angry. This is not normal behavior. I mean, I know he isn't normal. But that is not normal for an autistic kid, is it? I guess the question is more what is wrong with me? Why do I have these feelings of anger? It isn't normal. It isn't me. I got a counselor's name from our family doctor today. Justin and I have been talking about going to one. I'm sorry, I had to vent tonight. I have had a headache all day. And now I feel like crap." Pun intended, right? "I've apologized to everyone. I feel totally numb inside right now. As I've written this journal entry tonight, I've cried again. And now I'm just exhausted and numb."
Tamara Anderson 7:04
Have you ever had those days where you feel numb, where you feel exhausted and worn out and like, the whole world seems to be falling apart and caving in on you? If you do. You're not alone. Everybody out there has felt those feelings of being overwhelmed and alone. And if they haven't, they will at some point in their lives. Because that is a common feeling. And we feel so alone when we're in that moment. We feel like nobody else understands where we are, and what we're experiencing. And that's not true. Other people understand often and if other people don't, God always does. And I think that's the story of hope. So tonight, or today, I'm going to share with you some tips.
Tamara Anderson 7:56
And there is a picture of our family. I just wanted to show you that is our family, we're posing in a family reunion picture. And that is a snapshot of my husband and I pasting smiles on our faces while Jacob and Nathan throw their little tantrum. So that is just a snapshot of my tough time at that point in my life back in 2005. And we all have tough times.
Tamara Anderson 8:27
So here are my tips. First of all, be gentle with grief. Let me see if I can do this. Here we go. So there's a great quote that I put here it said, "weeping may endure for a night, but joy cometh in the morning." And that's a quote from Psalms 35. And I love that because we do weep some nights. And sometimes it's longer than a night. Sometimes it's for years. And the promises that joy will come. The first point here is to be gentle. What I didn't realize at that point in my life was that I was going to go through the grief cycle for grieving the child I imagined I would have these unfulfilled expectations that I had imagined in my brain that this is how this would pan out in my life. And of course those don't always turn out the way we want them to. But when those dreams get shattered, we grieve them. And I wish somebody would have pointed that out to me and said, Hey, Tamara, you're gonna go through the grieving process for Nathan and then for Jacob, because of these unfulfilled expectations of what you imagined their life's would be like, and then they're not And, and it's okay.
Tamara Anderson 9:52
And so then I wouldn't have felt well, I went through denial, but the second step is anger it I felt that anger inside. I felt angry with God for a long time. And I wish I wouldn't have felt guilt on top of grief for being angry with God. If I would have just understood the process, understood that this was just part of grieving that normal child I thought I'd never raise.
Tamara Anderson 10:20
And of course, I've learned now that these kids are awesome. They are, they are beautiful and normal for them. And I feel very privileged to be their mother. All of them. Every single one of my kids has challenges and I'm thankful for them. They've stretched to me, yes, they've made me grow. Yes. But I'm thankful for them. Anyway, so be gentle with yourself as you go through the grieving process if your life changes, because it will change and it's hard. And just be kind. I think we do a lot of self negative talk. And we criticize ourselves and we bemoan our fate inside and we feel very alone. And that's a very lonely and sad place to be. So be gentle with yourself and realize that the grieving process does eventually come along to peace. And I will share that nugget piece with you from my journal entry a year later, in just a few minutes.
Tamara Anderson 10:20
So the second tip I'd like to share is to build a support network. And this is one of the key components as I've started inviting people to my podcast. So many times, they have mentioned how important a support network is to them. And that is, whether they're struggling with infertility, or autism, in my case, or cancer, it is so great to be able to band together with a group of people who have gone through something similar, or who have that or who are going through something similar. And that is just so great to know that we are not alone. So that kind of builds on that first one of going understand you're going to go through the grieving process for what you perceived was normal. And now it's been changed. And then adding a layer of support family, friends, support group of people who have gone through it before, they all help strengthen us. And I would always add God to that support network.
Tamara Anderson 11:20
There's a really great quote that I put on this paper here. Here, I'll show you may see if I can do this. There it is. Anyway, it says "grief knits two hearts in closer bonds than happiness ever can." And common suffering, these are far stronger links than common joys. So suffering can bind us together with people. And I found that to be true. I got so close to the people who are helping me when I was struggling to raise my children with autism. And I built that support network around myself, I found I was not strong enough to do it on my own, I had to hire a little babysitter girl to come in and help me, especially in the summer times because I had four kids seven and under and only one of them could communicate with me. And it was very, very challenging, especially if we ever wanted to go anywhere. And they all wanted to run a different way. But so build your support network that is super, super important.
Tamara Anderson 13:19
The third tip I wanted to share with you is this one plan for stress relief. And I am sorry that is not straight. There we go. This is a great quote by Abraham Lincoln. And he says "with the fearful strain that is on me night and day, if I did not laugh, I should die." And I love that there's it is so important to plan for stress relief in your life. I found it to be especially critical if you are taking care of someone 24 hours a day, seven days a week, there's no breaks, you have to plan for stress relief. And so I have some pictures here of what that can look like.
Tamara Anderson 14:02
Maybe your stress relief is running or getting out and exercising. Maybe it's reading, laughter, sleeping, and just meditating or pondering. But whatever it is, I found if I have time, for sure, take time to make a list of your favorite stress release options. Maybe you go and get a massage. Maybe you get a break somehow. My favorite stress relief option happens to be reading because I love escaping into a magical world and also I could do it while watching my kids. Maybe I put a show on for them back in the day. But that was one of my favorite things. Walking has become one of my favorite stress release options lately. And just getting out and moving and exercising is so important. So find your favorite stress release options and they will help you get through those stressful stressful times.
Tamara Anderson 14:58
The fourth tip And the bonus tip is I want to share is called Becoming. And this is that process of we finally come around to peace. And it says this is a quote by Harriet Tubman. And she says, "always remember you have within you the strength, the patience, and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world." Isn't that awesome? So I think when we're down in the dumps, we often just feel so burdened, we feel like we can never reach our dreams, we can never achieve what we want to achieve. When really, sometimes our dreams need to be tweaked. Yes, they do. But we can still keep growing.
Tamara Anderson 15:40
One of my favorite quotes that I found recently is this quote, and I want to share it with you guys. There it is, oops, wrong way, gotta go this way. Bloom and grow says "when you're in a dark place, you tend to think you've been buried, perhaps you've been planted bloom." Isn't that awesome? I love that quote is so fantastic. And I'm so thankful for that wisdom and that knowledge that when we are down and we feel like we have been buried, and forgotten, and left cold and dead in the dirt, that perhaps we've just been planted. And we have to stretch her little roots down and absorb some moisture and push up towards the sun.
Tamara Anderson 16:28
So don't give up my friends. If you think you've your dark, you're in a dark, dark place. Start that growth process and grow towards the sun.
Tamara Anderson 16:42
The final quote or thing I want to share with you is my journal entry. And this is what it says and this is about a year after that day from help that I wrote about it said, "My soul hungered tonight." This is August 6 2006. "My soul hungered tonight. I felt the need to talk to God. What a blessing it is to pray, to have our prayers reach high to the heavens and to have a loving Heavenly Father Come and listen. I'm amazed as I look back over the past year, what a difference. Last year at this point, I was struggling through a difficult summer with Nathan. I was dealing with challenging emotions that Jacob was autistic. I couldn't put him in a normal preschool. I was angry, frustrated, overwhelmed, and exhausted. Even though I knew I shouldn't ask, why me, it had passed through my mind. Don't I already have enough that I'm dealing with? Now there is peace."
Tamara Anderson 17:47
"There was a talk a few years ago that I read called but if not, it was a powerful talk that spoke to my soul. And I always wondered if I would have the faith of Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego. To say but if not, that's a great story. In the Old Testament, when they're about to be thrown into the fiery furnace. They say they know that God can save them. But if not, they still won't worship those, that golden idol. And this is what I said about that. I said, I always wondered if I would have the faith to say I know you have the power to heal my sons. But if not, I will be just fine. I finally reached that point tonight. And I am amazed. There's been much healing which has taken place in my soul over the past year. My burdens have been lifted. And through the Savior's infinite tender mercy, he has strengthened me so that I could bear the burdens placed upon my back even so much that I feel like I can submit cheerfully to God's will. I know in his strength, I can do all things."
Tamara Anderson 18:54
And that goes along with my favorite scripture, which is found in Philippians 4:13. I don't know if it is my lot in life to ever be free from this bondage/challenge/blessing of having children with special needs. But I'm grateful for them. And what the Lord has taught me because of them. And I find that to be true that we learn so much because of our trials. Even though we may go into those trials kicking and screaming, like a two year old, right?
Tamara Anderson 19:27
It says, "we have had such a wonderful summer full of fun, and adventures. I'm almost sad to see my kids go back to school this year. I never thought I would say that either. It just goes to show that God can truly change our heart hearts. And mine is becoming more of a mother heart. I guess I was a little rough around the edges before and I still have a long way to go. But with God's help. I know I'll get there someday." So there you go.
Tamara Anderson 19:53
That is my mini journey of hope that I wanted to share with you on day you have my podcast launch my podcast is called stories of hope in hard times. And it's going to be launched every two weeks. I'll launch new episode. Today, I launched with three episodes, my story and then two other stories. And these are fantastic stories where people share their tough times and the things that they learned because of them. So I'm so thankful that I could spend just a few moments with you today and share my story of hope. And just a few of the things that I've experienced so that somebody out there will know that they're not alone. So if you haven't yet, go ahead and subscribe to my podcast so that you can get those doses of Hope throughout your month. And thanks for joining me today. Have an awesome day.
Transcribed by https://otter.ai