It’s 2:31 pm and I’m still in my pajamas. Why? Because I feel broken today.
I Can’t Do Today
There are days when the “to dos,” parenting, chores, and stresses add up to a weight so heavy it literally breaks me. I told my husband last night that the idea of doing today made me want to cry.
Do you ever feel like that?
I knew I didn’t have the strength to try to keep my kids focused on their homework again…and again…and again, to deal with one of Nathan’s autism tantrums because we tweaked the schedule just a bit, to work on podcasting or anything else.
I was empty.
Have you ever felt empty—So empty inside that it is more than hunger? It is a deep starvation. I know some of you are thinking, “Well, feed yourself Tamara.”
I do. Every day! I exercise, eat well, wake up early to have my quiet time just for me. I read my scriptures, pray, and connect with God.
But sometimes the energy and strength required to push forward another day isn’t there.
I’ve pushed too hard for too long.
It’s my own fault. I know.
Why I Am Empty
My “to do” list is too long and I have a hard time even getting to them because my family’s needs are ever present. There is the parenting, teaching, serving, laundry, cooking, lessons, shopping, and life-juggling.
I am tired of keeping Nathan on his rigid autism schedule. What happens on the days I don’t want to be the caregiver? I have to do it anyway. Parenting is exhausting!
I will confess that my husband has been extra helpful since he finished his Masters degree—so I am thankful we can now share the burden again.
But I pushed too hard for too long and now I’m broken—not shattered. But I’m going to have to take better care of me so I can take better care of everyone else.
You’re Not Alone
So, to those of you who are broken like I am today, know you’re not alone. You’re not the only one exhausted, drained and starving inside.
I cancelled everything today and read a book…in bed…in my pajamas…by myself. I cried, laughed and fell in love all within the pages of a book. Yes, ironically I escaped into a book because it is one of my favorite things to do. It is one of my favorite stress relievers.
Dear friend, did you know when you handed me that book a few weeks ago and told me I “had to read it,” that I would need it’s comfort on a broken day?
Dear authors, do you know the power you hold as you wield your pen? You hold the power to begin the mending of my broken soul with your flawed characters. Through you, God begins the process of healing my hunger and igniting hope once again. With your words I am beginning to regain the strength I need to keep going. With your insight I am beginning to see the walls I’ve built around myself in self-preservation only to realize I’m never going to make it alone.
Allowing Others In
I need people! I need help. I’m too weary to keep trudging all by myself. I need to take better care of me—which includes delegating and getting more help.
I love the quote by Spencer W. Kimball,
“The Lord does notice us, and He watches over us. But it is usually through another person that He meets our needs.”
Today my needs were met through the ministry of my husband, a book loaned to me by a dear friend, and some sweet texts from friends. Thank you for saving me when I felt like I was drowning!!!
And thank God for sending people to save me when I’m breaking. In His infinite love and mercy He knew exactly what I needed and how to answer my desperate pleas for help.
I Will Survive!
I will even survive the Coronavirus pandemic with all of its crazy and exhausting changes–even though it drives my kiddos on the autism spectrum crazy!
Although I may just need a few long mornings in my pajamas, with a book, in my bed, and the loving support of God, friends and family to get me through.